If only he could see himself now.

I wake up most mornings thinking of the past. Usually because of a dream that I had with friends in them that I rarely talk to any more. I wake up with a sense of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake this feeling that if I had done something different things would be better.

"The grass is greener on the other side" they always say, but I sometimes really believe that things would have been better - more fulfilling. I don't know if that's just the way my train of thought is all the time or that I'm really just romanticizing.

I think about how I used to be. I think about how conversations used to flow so easily and how I was confident in being me. How my opinion matter and I had a deeper sense of life and what it meant. Or at least I romanticize about the past so much that I've made my past me more significant than what it really was.

I find myself to be more shallow, less understanding and frankly sometimes void of passion. Is it just age? Is it just the fact that I've decided that I now know somethings as to be certain. I decided a long time ago that I was an atheist. That god could not exist in anyway shape or form because of the cards that I was dealt. Not to say that the cards were not more favorable than others, because they most certainly were, but because religion played a significant role in separating my family. Although, those events happened I still had a feeling of spirituality. A sense of a greater purpose.

I knew at that time that we all shared energy with each other and that energy was indisputable. It gave me a sense of peace, a feeling of harmony with others. I used to read things about Reiki and books like The Celestine Prophecies. I used to argue the interconnectivity of everyone by citing new findings in quantum physics.

But all that is behind us now. I work long hours I certainly don't go out as often as I used to. I don't feel as though I have any real connection to anyone I know any more. I feel callous and angry most of the time and what I project is fake. Inside I worry and think of the past. How much time have I wasted drinking alone when now I could have been drinking with friends. How many times have I been conversing online rather then conversing in front? How many times am I going to let it burn me from the inside before I do anything about it?

If I could see myself today as I was yesterday, what is it that I would have to say?